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Its been awhile like usual. I feel a lot has changed. A lot I am scared of that will come. My leave date for the Navy has been pushed to August I will be going in as a CB. I might have the job at The Scott's in Belfair But honestly I'm really scared of what will happen [xoxo]
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Fuck parties. Fuck people Fuck friends Fuck this town. Fuck this area. I want out. Shot down over the skies of liquid death Also there has been a loss in my life. Now the words are gone and I am speechless. [xoxo]
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"How long until the tables turn? When will we ever get what we deserve?" I've been thinking a lot the last couple days about going back to Australia. All aboard whose coming aboard. Social Security keeps giving me the run around. They keep saying I have dual citizenship than saying I don't. I'm really tired of it. I need a hug. I will always be a citizen there cause I was born there. And its not cheap to become a citizen here either. My navy career is delayed for awhile. "So here's to another banner year, We've crossed that thin line, Don't try to hold us here" Also why would you make a choice to move on than put yourself back in the same position. stupid. Grrr. "I'd Rather Live Than Live Forever" I'm sorry if my first entry in a while is just and angry rant. But this is whats going on in my life. [xoxo] [mike]
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Its funny how life will give you a twist and you keep on hitting. I'm still standing, still moving. It always seems like a long time between when I get around to posting. I guess that is me being "busy". At one time I think I could have been a father. Sadly I won't be. I'm trying to find reasoning in why I will not be. But honestly its too much. I become the optimistic one instead. Telling myself good comes out of all things. Or maybe its me lying to myself to keep me going. I could not say. The mind is such a terrible yet amazing thing. So I'm in the process of joining the Navy. I go for MEPS on January 5th. Ship out sometime in May. Its a chance for me to see the world. Become something. Yeah a bit of real life serves a body good. Most of "The Friends" either are angry or just don't talk to me about it. They say I'm doing it all for the wrong reasons. I'M DOING IT FOR ME! That is final. This will be good. Its only 4 years. 100% collage. Yup. The weather has been a touch of disaster lately. Freezing cold. SNOW! Shitty road conditions. I spent about 5 full days at my house. Scary considering I'm never at my house for that long. For some reason I did not want to leave for it was cold and well I just did not. I instead started writing a song and played A LOT of guitar. Its something I suppose. [xoxo] [mike]
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There will be no choice but to stop and leave. Leave for a good reason, raising a white flag
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I've made a generalization of where I'm ending up right now. Not too far. This city is a pit, a succubus. Negatives: Positives: Other than that I've been putting in applications. If there was a chance to get out of this town I would take it.
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Four Packs A Day. Four Decades Straight. Right To An Unmarked Grave. If the clouds fell from the sky. And everyone was disappearing Who would you want to be sitting there to watch the end with you? I could not tell you who I would be sitting with I just hope they will have nothing to say. Just eyes wide open. **************************************** Somet that becom But what do I have to say that would anyth I'm a fool in mind and a fool in sight I'm only a dream A small Behin **************************************** Waiting... Just Waiting... For Something... Anything... One Thing... Or Nothing... Waiting... [xoxo] [mike]
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Yes I have been a ghost. Been writing, thinking. I feel as if I am waiting for something to happen and I don't know what it is. Maybe its a better job, But I will wait...
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So I have a new job. Its going good. Kinda painful. My finger tips hurt so much. Constant contact with odd wood chemicals, etc. What is a rut to fall into when you are diving in from the sky? Seems to me you might get a few cuts and scrapes on the way down. How to explain what I feel? Easy, Don't. Not at all. Keep it to yourself. Away from the masses. Go about your day as if there is nothing bothering you at all. Keep it under the skin with the other thoughts that rage through your mind. Maybe it was a bad idea, but you can not take it back without a confrontation of gigantic proportions. Sadly I might have to. To keep it together, to keep on a path. A JOURNEY! AN ADVENTURE. And its miles away from here. End.
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Its thursday afternoon and I am sitting posting an entry while watching a toddler. IF this is what my life has come to than strike me out. The job market is all but dead. Its getting so hard to find a job at all. I'm hoping for this job at Ace Hardware. But it is looking even more grim as days go by. "I WISH this didn't mean so much to me; to be a MONUMENT for the rest of them"
There is a suttle conforment [xoxo]
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"Cogito ergo sum"
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Simple yet complicated. Through and Through, Their is Napalm in the trees for sure. We're burning through the forest We're burning through the ground. This flame will lick the boots we wear. Their is reason, their is unrest. Sure I am of lack. But still simple and divine. Who will read this? Who will pass it on? We are all flawed in our own little ways. This is cluttered but let the truth stand out in the rain. Cleanse this forest and what remains. This isn't supposed to make sense; and don't think it does. Only to me it will, You won't know. You won't know. You won't know. You won't know. I love you so much, but do me a favor baby, don't reply. 'cause I can dish it out, but I can't take it.
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The deed will be done. I'm no longer going to put myself through this. I'm passing the lease over to someone else. Jake is a wreck, the apartment is a wreck. I can't live like that. I'm through and through. I need my rest from all. I might isolate myself away from the world for a while. Do some thinking, meditating, reading, writing, playing. Be creative again. Like a flush to my system. Only better. Wish me luck. I'm going to need it.
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So yeah its been a while, yeah I've been dealing with some major shit. Some of which I just don't want to talk about. My room mate Jake has turned into a tumor in my head that is surely degrading what it is to have a place of your own. Most days I just want to rip his beating heart out and stomp all over it. I know thats morbid but its the truth. He makes me sick to my stomach. it all started when money got really tight. A couple weeks ago. We got into a full on fist fight. I fucked up the right side of his face. And he broke my finger. Sad chain of events. After we talked about it and I thought we were cool again cause you know you got to have each others back. It turned into the silent treatment. I hate him so much. Grrrrr >.< I want so badly to get out of this town or at least move into my own place where I don't On to something that doesn't make me feel like shit. I'm starting to write some new songs also. I know I go through fazes But anyway I don't even know why I am up so late. i have to work tomorrow. [xoxo]
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"Here's Your new Blood Transfusion Took Us All Night Tell Us That You're All Right No It's Not Love Though Feels Like Fire Inside Of Your Veins...."So if you could only reach the center to find what you've been looking for We are the new generation!
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Have you ever had such a long day and long night? The longest. The most intriguing. The most insane. That was yesterday. For sure. So many things on my mind, were washed away or cleared up.  Last night was equally as crazy due to a little bit of drinking, but cleared things up. Had a few great conversations with the likes of Jake and Miss Adair. And Karen helped out a lot none the less. Especially with the ever furthering insanity of the guys. But the night ended just as thought it would. Back to being myself and being the nice guy, like usual.
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"Let's call this the quiet city: Where screams are felt as a wave of stoplights Drive through the streets as gunshots punctuate the night The sides we take divide us from our faith And the morning dove gets caught in the telephone wire"
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...But Falling Was Just The Space Between Me And The Ground [xoxo] [mike]
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I will fill this void inside my head. An emptiness only a heart can send. How could you be so blind? Yay! It's Friday. Finally. I work tomorrow 8-noon but thats nothing I find myself halted by something doing the right thing being the nice guy. Keeping friends. I try really hard to be a good friend. I succeed more often than none. But their can be hinderer's and they only come from how you feel. Emotion is overrated anyway. Why not be bland? Why not just not give a shit? Stupor Stupor Stupor Alcohol only enhances it. Yet still, gotta do the right thing Maybe eventually it will pay off. But I guess I'm moreover a pessimist. Most people are even though I try not to let the people I know become too pessimistic. I myself... well what do expect? NOTHING! But you know. I try. I have hopes, I have dreams I have everything I need. but not really. Contradiction in itself. I guess I'm too obvious. But alas I can keep trying. We will see now won't we. I really want to do something tonight, Ponder Ponder Ponder. What to do? What is their to do in this town anyway. The answer is pretty bold. Yes it is. [xoxo]
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Again I see myself with the absent of color in a world where their is so much. It could be the lack of self-worth or the Hunger for some new life. Something to light the passage in an empty tunnel filled with pestilential over-barings. Lest I work for something that I seem not to be able to grasp. A person, a being, a life. I guess I will keep the evidence wrapped up in my head. Away. Stay small or lest let the light pour in or not at all. I will not let it be too thought provoking. I am absent. " An epidemic with allure that brings intrigue to the dullest minds."
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scared
accomplished
blank
exhausted
complacent
calm
disappointed
determined